The lowlife

By Chanuga Rollins

Lorie hated the whole idea of internet dating, although some of her friends swore by it. It wasn’t that Lorie couldn’t find a man you understand, guys asked her out all the time. But to be honest, most men today bored her with their cheesy pick-up lines and showing their soft side, Lorie wanted a man. But she also couldn’t stand them Guido-types, with their steroid-induced muscles, ignorant personas, and gelled hair.  

Lorie was an attractive 5’8 120-pound blonde with sea-blue eyes and a gorgeous smile. At 34, she was a corporate attorney who normally worked 14-hour days and worked right through most weekends. 

In her spare time, Lorie enjoys cooking, going to the movies, and flea markets. She also enjoys spending time with her best friends Liza, and Kim, in fact, it was her friends that insisted that she try internet dating.

So, one Saturday evening over wine and cheese, the girls sat down with Lorie and created a profile on a dating site. 

Next, she had to decide what kind of guy she was looking for: Did she want the sports type, a couch potato, a bookworm, or a workout freak? And what about work Liza asked? 

I really don’t care what he does as long as he enjoys what he’s doing and it’s legal. He also must have a sense of humor and he must be able to hold down a conversation Lorie said.

As the girls laughed and joked the next question was about hygiene: yes, he must be clean, he also must be a non-smoker, a non-druggie, and single. When the girls finished Lorie’s profile, they hit the send button.

Within minutes Lorie received several responses, she and the girls went through them one at a time: loser, loser, loser, another loser.

After going through a dozen or so responses one stood out, a guy by the name of Shawn, he immediately sent her a wave. But before Lorie waved back the girls checked out his profile.

Shawn’s profile said that he was single and looking for a long-term relationship. There was also a photo of him sitting in a BMW convertible, he’s cute one of the girls said. His profile said that he was self-employed, likes jogging and that he’s a volunteer fireman. That’s very admirable the girls thought. 

It also says that he likes to travel and eat ethnic food, whatever the hell that means. Oh, wow, he lives in the Belvedere Apartments, I know them apartments, Kim said, they’re very expensive. After reading everything about him and with the girl’s encouragement Lorie sent Shawn a wave. 

Within minutes Shawn tried to make contact through the dating site message board. But because her friends were still over Lorie blew him off and signed out. 

Lorie spent the next day working, she needed to get some paperwork done by Monday so for now, she completely forgot about the dating site.    

Wednesday evening while eating dinner Lorie grabbed her laptop and logged onto the dating site just for something to do, to her surprise this guy Shawn must have left over a hundred messages. 

She answered his latest message and to her surprise, he immediately responded, was he just sitting there waiting for me to respond she thought.

They both messaged back and forth for about an hour until Lorie decided to go to bed. That’s when Shawn popped the question, do you want to go out with me? Lorie was a little hesitant, he seemed nice, but she wasn’t ready to take the plunge just yet. So, she made up an excuse and said goodnight, and signed off.

The next morning just for the hell of it, Lorie logged on before going to her office, and to her astonishment, Shawn left thirty messages for her. What the fuck is wrong with this guy, she thought, but his interest also intrigued her.

Because of the project that she was working on and it taking up so much of her time Lorie didn’t log onto the dating site for another eight days by then Shawn left well over a hundred messages.

Lorie mentioned Shawn’s eagerness to go out to her friends. He has a penis, doesn’t he? That’s what these guys do, they’re animals, go for it! That was her friend’s advice… With that in mind, Lorie responded to one of Shawn’s latest messages.      

Lorie and Shawn decided to meet at a restaurant called La Villa, she didn’t want him to know where she lived, not just yet anyway.

A few days later the big night was here, they were supposed to meet at the restaurant at 6pm, but Lorie was the first to arrive. She got a table, ordered a glass of wine, and waited. 7pm, no Shawn, 7:30 still a no show, at 8pm Lorie was putting on her jacket to leave.

She was almost to the door when Shawn walked in. He looked just like his picture on the dating site but gave no explanation for why he was late, instead, he said I’m starving.

Shawn looked very unkept and his breath smelled horrible. Lorie quickly looked Shawn up and down, there ain't no way this guy is even kissing me tonight.

His jacket was ripped and dirty, in fact, his t-shirt and jeans were also filthy, not to mention they smelled. His t-shirt looked like it was left rolled up somewhere until he decided to wear it. In any case, he wasn’t dressed for La Villa, Lorie wanted to leave but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

How’s the food here? Lorie asked Shawn. I don’t know, I’ve never eaten here before, he said. But you picked this place, Lorie said, I thought you’d been here before. No, Shawn said, I ride by here all the time, but I never ate here. 

Lorie thought that was strange, but she let it go. Randomly, he mentioned that his roommate was busting his balls about money because he was a little behind on his share of the rent. 

Well, the Belvedere apartments are expensive Lorie said, again trying to be nice. I don’t live at the Belvedere, and it’s not my apartment, I just rent the couch, Shawn said smiling. 

Lorie just stared at him for a second before asking her next question, so if you don’t live there why did you post those pictures making it look like you lived there?

It’s to impress the ladies, he said, giving her a stupid grin. And the BMW, I’m guessing it’s not yours, Lorie said. Nope, I go to the dealerships and take photos with my phone, Shawn said. 

So, I’m trying to understand a few things here Lorie said, where exactly do you live, she asked. Well, I couch surf at a few different places around town, Shawn said proudly. I’m not trying to be rude, but how old are you, Lorie asked?

Let’s order, I’m hungry, Shawn said. First, answer my question, Lorie said, starting to get angry. 

I just turned 40, Shawn replied, now can we order? Not just yet, Lorie said, you said on the dating app that you’re self-employed, or was that also bullshit? Well, I am self-employed, I collect cans and bottles for recycling, and I’m also collecting unemployment Shawn said with a cocky smile.

Just then the waiter came over, hi, I’m Glen, I’ll be your server tonight. Shawn, like an idiot, shook the waiter’s hand and said hi, I’m Shawn… The waiter looked at him in bewilderment, can I start you off with some drinks? The server asked. I’ll take a Coke, Shawn said. The same for me thank you, Lorie said, giving Shawn a nasty look for being rude.

I’m just putting this out there, have you ever eaten in an establishment like this, where the wait staff introduces themselves to you, Lorie asked. 

No, nobody at Burger King or McDonald’s has ever introduced themselves to me before, he said. Shawn, Lorie asked, how did you get here tonight? We met online, Shawn said, don’t you remember? Oh my God, Lorie thought!

I mean, how did you get to the restaurant tonight for Christ’s sake? Oh, my bike, he said, it’s parked out front. Oh, you have a motorcycle, Lorie asked. No, I have a Schwinn, I stole it, Shawn tried giving Lorie a high five, but she just stared at him. A bicycle, you rode here on a bicycle, Lorie again just stared at him.  

The waiter returned with their drinks and two menus, I don’t need this, Shawn said, handing the menus back to the waiter, I’ll take a meatball sub, with fries. I’m sorry sir but we don’t have that, the waiter said obviously embarrassed.

Lorie immediately took back Shawn’s menu from the waiter, can you please give us a minute, thank you. When the waiter left, Lorie told Shawn to order whatever he wanted, dinner was on her, she just wanted to get this evening over with.

Awe, thanks, look at these prices I only have $30, Shawn said. After a minute or two, Lorie was convinced that Shawn had no idea what the hell he was looking at on the menu because it was in Italian. Lorie was also convinced that if poor, ignorant, white trash had a photo, it would be of a smiling Shawn.   

Tell me, Shawn, where did you live prior to your couch surfing, Lorie asked. I lived with my mom until she threw me out. And how long ago was that Lorie asked? A few months ago, he said. The restaurant was crowded as Shaw picked his nose at their table, and that’s when Lorie noticed his hands and fingernails, they were filthy.

Shawn, would you like to wash your hands before we eat Lorie asked. No, I’m ok, Shawn replied, soap dries out of my hands. Lorie just stared at him again.

The waiter returned to take their orders, but before he could even say anything, Shawn blurted out, can I get the spaghetti and meatballs? 

Lorie again gave Shawn a look of disgust. And you ma’am the waiter asked, I’ll take the Zuppa de Pesce, Lorie said. Very good ma’am I’ll put this right in the waiter said. 

Shawn blurted out, what the hell did you order, Chinese food, I thought this place was Italian. Lorie didn’t even bother answering him. I didn’t understand a word on that menu he said. No shit, Lorie said.

While they waited for their food to come Shawn rambled on and on about the most absurd things that made no sense, Lorie was convinced that Shawn was retarded.

So, Shawn, I understand that you are a volunteer fireman Lorie said, knowing full well that he couldn’t possibly be. 

Who told you that, Shawn asked. It was on your dating profile or was that just more bullshit, just to impress the ladies Lorie asked. Bingo, Shawn said laughing.

And how did that work out for you, Lorie asked sarcastically. Not that good, when they told me that I couldn’t live in the firehouse I never signed up, I figured what’s the point of risking my life if I couldn’t live there for free.

Lorie just rolled her eyes and kept thinking I can’t wait until this fucking night is over!!!

Finally, the food arrived… Lorie knew that Shawn only ordered spaghetti and meatballs because the idiot couldn’t pronounce anything else on the menu. But to watch him eat his food was revolting, other diners were even staring at him.

He had the table manners of a child, talking with his mouth full, making weird noses, wiping his mouth with his filthy hands, picking his nose and wiping it on the tablecloth, and yes, even farting at the table and then laughing afterward.

After 15 minutes of watching this idiot, Lorie couldn’t take it anymore. While Shawn was ramming spaghetti into his mouth and getting sauce all over his face, the tablecloth, and his filthy clothes, Lorie flagged down the waiter and asked if he could wrap up her food and if he could please bring the check. 

With food falling out of his mouth, Shawn said it looks like you can’t wait to get me home. Fuck you! Dude, get this straight you’re never going to see me again, not if I can ever help it, amigo, Lorie said.

Lorie gave her credit card to the waiter, then she told Shawn who was still jamming food into his mouth to speed it up, this nightmare is over, time to go. 

They both stood to leave, Lorie left the server his tip in cash, leaving it on the table. Almost to the door, Shawn said, I’ll meet you outside I have to use the can. No, that’s ok, it’s been an eye-opening experience Lorie said as she hurried out the door.

It was a chilly evening as Lorie started her SUV, letting it warm up. She watched as Shawn came out of the restaurant, got on his bicycle, and quickly peddled away. 

Lorie was about to drive away when the waiter came out of the restaurant looking around. Lorie put her vehicle into gear and pulled up to the waiter. Is everything ok, Lorie asked? I was just wondering why you didn’t leave me a tip, have I done something to offend you, the waiter asked. 

No sir, the service was excellent, and I did leave you a tip, a very nice tip I may add, Lorie said. Her words hung in the air… That fucking scumbag! Lorie said out loud. Pardon me, ma’am, the waiter said confused. 

I’m sorry, just thinking out loud, Lorie said as she reached into her purse and gave the waiter some money then apologized for the mix-up.   

Lorie pulled out of the restaurant parking lot and headed in the same direction as Shawn. That smelly, low-life bastard stole the waiter's tip, and Lorie was pissed.

About a half mile from the restaurant Lorie spotted Shawn peddling away on his bicycle, as she followed him. 

A wooded and deserted stretch of road was coming up, this is where Lorie decided to make her move. Looking around to make sure no one else was around, Lorie accelerated her SUV.

With a big smile on Lorie’s face, she ran over Shawn with her vehicle knocking him off his bike and causing him to land on the ground very hard. 

Lorie parked her vehicle and walked over to Shawn as he lay on the ground moaning my bike, you ruined my bike, you crazy bitch! Lorie took aim and kicked Shawn right in his face, damn near knocking him out. 

She then reached down and went through his filthy jeans and removed his money. She took back exactly what she gave to the waiter, the rest of his money, which wasn’t much, she threw into the bushes. 

Lorie said nothing as she walked back to her SUV, she got in and ran over Shawn’s bike two more times, knocking one of its wheels off, and then she headed home.

When Lorie got home, she uninstalled the dating app. 

The next evening Lorie joined her two best friends Liza, and Kim for drinks, while they went to the restroom together Lorie slipped some baby laxatives into her friend's drinks… Lorie, smiled as the girls downed them.

The end 

Copyright 2021